And so I will now be counting down (rather than counting up)...not because I'm anxious to finish this chapter, but because I feel like I need to have an awareness of how much time I have left so that I might savor each day. Despite my best efforts to keep it at an arms length, the franticness of ending has settled into my stomach. Not sure if that's where it tends to settle for others, but it is most certainly the place in my body where franticness tends to reside and there are always interesting side effects as a result.
It is so interesting that at the near half way point of this mission to care better for myself I discovered that I needed to complete another 100 hours at my internship in order to fulfill the prerequisite for Colorado licensure. Figuring out how to keep my head above water in the midst of this chaos has been a challenge. But somehow learning to let certain things go (like blogging every night) and choosing to hold onto other things (like going outside in the afternoons with the girls whenever we can) has been my saving grace. And the crazy thing is that once you have a taste of what it's like to not have your world spinning off it's axis, even if it's only for a few weeks, is enough to make you realize you never want to let things get that out of balance again. I am falling in love with the peacefulness that only seems possible if I am intentional about being attuned to my own needs in the midst of providing for others. I am learning how to mother myself...and how to find the mothering I still need from those around me (but more on that little bit later).
Showing posts with label self care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self care. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Day #30...
A few days ago I was overjoyed to share a meal in honor of one of my professors. She was my first-year practicum leader. My fellow MHGSers know something of the uniqueness of this kind of relationship. But for those of you need some further explanation let me simply say this - she walked beside a small group of us as we began the process of growing a mind to see ourselves and the world around us in new and sometimes painful ways. She is a woman who is often referred to as the "good enough mother" of MHGS. To me, she is one of the only women in my life who call forth the little girl in me. When she simply looks into my eyes I am aware of longing to curl up in her lap to cry and to rage at the lack of nurturance, love, acceptance and connection that has marked so many lives. At this special lunch, my professor (a.k.a. my psychological mother) reminded us (her psychological daughters) of the fact that we all need mothers...or mothering throughout our lives...and that perhaps the most difficult task is to mother ourselves.
I have been in need of much mothering in the past week. And I'm feeling this need more acutely today. I'm trying to learn what it means to clean up my own vomit (as I had to do for Krisalyn yesterday) - to comfort and soothe myself while something inside is making me feel sick and uncomfortable. I need someone to see past my foul mood and the way it is being projected onto everyone and everything else so that someone can help me make sense of why I feel the way I do right now (something I've attempted to help Faith with tonight). I am longing for someone to hold me and to tell me that though the world around me feels like it's chaotically and uncontrollably shifting that the love they have for me is constant, stable, unconditional and accessible.
Learning how to mother and care for others has always been a passion in my life. It's mothering myself that feels like the much more difficult task.
I have been in need of much mothering in the past week. And I'm feeling this need more acutely today. I'm trying to learn what it means to clean up my own vomit (as I had to do for Krisalyn yesterday) - to comfort and soothe myself while something inside is making me feel sick and uncomfortable. I need someone to see past my foul mood and the way it is being projected onto everyone and everything else so that someone can help me make sense of why I feel the way I do right now (something I've attempted to help Faith with tonight). I am longing for someone to hold me and to tell me that though the world around me feels like it's chaotically and uncontrollably shifting that the love they have for me is constant, stable, unconditional and accessible.
Learning how to mother and care for others has always been a passion in my life. It's mothering myself that feels like the much more difficult task.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Day #26...
dancing. laughter. silliness. playfulness.
It was a long week...but ending it by joining others in celebrating the school year at our annual MHGS Spring Banquet was a delight. I'm not gonna lie...I was a bit sentimental tonight as I allowed myself to acknowledge that when I leave this place there are aspects of this experience that no one else will understand or fully know. There is a kind of knowing that can only be felt with this particular community as a result of our shared experience. And I am so thankful for what I have been able to be a part of these past few years.
And the silliness continues.
Look up "swagger" in Webster's and you'll see this photo. Where my mother-fathers at?
then again...maybe we are not quite as cool as we think we are.
It was a long week...but ending it by joining others in celebrating the school year at our annual MHGS Spring Banquet was a delight. I'm not gonna lie...I was a bit sentimental tonight as I allowed myself to acknowledge that when I leave this place there are aspects of this experience that no one else will understand or fully know. There is a kind of knowing that can only be felt with this particular community as a result of our shared experience. And I am so thankful for what I have been able to be a part of these past few years.
And the silliness continues.
Look up "swagger" in Webster's and you'll see this photo. Where my mother-fathers at?
then again...maybe we are not quite as cool as we think we are.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Day #25...
Haven't stopped going since 6:30 this morning. And it's going to be a long night. Hoping that there will be time to recover at some point this weekend. wow. rest...I need rest. If this is what the next 6 weeks are going to look like, I'm going to need at least a month to recover after graduation!
Day #25 = F in self care.
Day #25 = F in self care.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Day #23...
There are some days that are harder to redeem than others. Today was one of those days. I discovered some discouraging news this morning that put me in a funk all day long. Tears were never far from my eyes. There isn't much room for sadness or disappointment in our evening routine. But today was an especially rough day on just about everyone in the Gauthier Clan. Today was a day that couldn't be rescued by a run, some time in the sun, a glass of red wine, or a long bath. In fact, after all of these efforts at self-soothing I found myself stuck in a place I don't like to visit very often. I was troubled by the sense that things often feel difficult in my life.
There never seems to be an easy road...and even if there was, I never seem capable of taking it. And I'm not sure if this all-too-familiar place I get stuck in occasionally is best described as self-pity or simply honest reflection. I'm painfully aware of the fact that many have lived ridiculously more difficult lives than I have up until this point in time which is why I want to shut the door to this darker cavern of my heart as soon as I sense that I'm approaching it's entrance. But a part of me wonders if minimizing my own struggles is really the answer.
As I was still desperately seeking some soothing tonight, I immersed myself in another Narnia book titled The Horse and His Boy. One of the characters, Shasta, a young boy, was feeling rather down about his own circumstances in his life and began to describe his woes to Aslan upon their first official meeting. Aslan responds in a way that reveals his presence throughout the boys entire journey:
"I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight to receive you."
These days I find myself skeptical of a theology that identifies God as an abuser or inflictor of pain for the process of spiritual maturation, but I do take comfort in the idea that in the middle of the abuse, the pain, the struggles, God is there with us - guiding, comforting and attempting to soothe and develop us through it all.
There never seems to be an easy road...and even if there was, I never seem capable of taking it. And I'm not sure if this all-too-familiar place I get stuck in occasionally is best described as self-pity or simply honest reflection. I'm painfully aware of the fact that many have lived ridiculously more difficult lives than I have up until this point in time which is why I want to shut the door to this darker cavern of my heart as soon as I sense that I'm approaching it's entrance. But a part of me wonders if minimizing my own struggles is really the answer.
As I was still desperately seeking some soothing tonight, I immersed myself in another Narnia book titled The Horse and His Boy. One of the characters, Shasta, a young boy, was feeling rather down about his own circumstances in his life and began to describe his woes to Aslan upon their first official meeting. Aslan responds in a way that reveals his presence throughout the boys entire journey:
"I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight to receive you."
These days I find myself skeptical of a theology that identifies God as an abuser or inflictor of pain for the process of spiritual maturation, but I do take comfort in the idea that in the middle of the abuse, the pain, the struggles, God is there with us - guiding, comforting and attempting to soothe and develop us through it all.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Day #22...
I awoke this morning with a sense of nostalgia. Not sure what it was connected to...until I took a shower and used my new bottle of Exotic Coconut Shower Gel from Bath & Body Works. Immediately upon the release of the strong coconut scent I was back in our over-sized (which we affectionately refer to as family-sized) shower in tiny Kampala Cottage. It was how we ended almost every day when we were living overseas. I worked most mornings from the comfort of my back patio. I'd pick Krisalyn up from preschool three days a week around lunch time. We'd play and have a bit of time to ourselves before we'd head over to grab the other blonde-haired bundles of energy. Bri would prep his class for the next day of school and then we'd all head over to the gym and swimming pool. I'd usually hit up the treadmill for a run (it was where I first discovered that I was actually capable of running for an extended period of time) or a spinning class before joining the girls in the sun-heated pool for a bit of family fun. As the day began to make friends with the evening we would head back to our cottage and still dripping the pool water from our bathing suits we'd all jump in the shower together for a quick wash up.
It sounds luxurious doesn't it? It was...sort of. There was something beautiful about the space (or perhaps it was the "pace") we allowed ourselves during that difficult season. To be completely honest, it was one of the most difficult experiences of our lives. We were alone for most of the time we lived out there. We had departed from the only world we had ever really known together- a world that offered us a sense of belonging, purpose, consistency and stability. In Uganda our world was opened up in remarkable ways and in really painful ways. Brian and I were forced to see each other outside of the realm that had provided us with a sense of identity. We were forced to see the world-at-large...thoughts on poverty were no longer faceless. I was able to finally begin to face what it means to be a woman and to live in this world.
Strangely...or perhaps not...it was in that season of our lives that we were kindest to ourselves in our day-to-day living. I lost a total of 17 pounds while we were there and not because I was trying to lose weight, but because I was eating fresh fruits and simple grains for most meals and because I was longing to reconnect with my own body in a way I had never desired to previously. We took time each day to play in the water with these girls that have offered us far more life than we have provided by simply birthing them. We read books. We began drinking (again for me...but a first for Brian). We spent time talking...a lot. Especially after the little ones with the most distinct swim-suit lines one could possibly imagine were tuckered out and on their way to the land of African dreams. We lived life in a very different way then.
So today...in honor of a scent-inspired memory we played in the water (actually it was in the rain).
It sounds luxurious doesn't it? It was...sort of. There was something beautiful about the space (or perhaps it was the "pace") we allowed ourselves during that difficult season. To be completely honest, it was one of the most difficult experiences of our lives. We were alone for most of the time we lived out there. We had departed from the only world we had ever really known together- a world that offered us a sense of belonging, purpose, consistency and stability. In Uganda our world was opened up in remarkable ways and in really painful ways. Brian and I were forced to see each other outside of the realm that had provided us with a sense of identity. We were forced to see the world-at-large...thoughts on poverty were no longer faceless. I was able to finally begin to face what it means to be a woman and to live in this world.
Strangely...or perhaps not...it was in that season of our lives that we were kindest to ourselves in our day-to-day living. I lost a total of 17 pounds while we were there and not because I was trying to lose weight, but because I was eating fresh fruits and simple grains for most meals and because I was longing to reconnect with my own body in a way I had never desired to previously. We took time each day to play in the water with these girls that have offered us far more life than we have provided by simply birthing them. We read books. We began drinking (again for me...but a first for Brian). We spent time talking...a lot. Especially after the little ones with the most distinct swim-suit lines one could possibly imagine were tuckered out and on their way to the land of African dreams. We lived life in a very different way then.
So today...in honor of a scent-inspired memory we played in the water (actually it was in the rain).
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Day #20...
wow. First week of the final chapter of my schooling at MHGS...and I am dragging already. This undeniable lethargy could be related to the fact that we were busy with some activity or another nearly every evening this week. Last night, after spending some quality time with my little ladies at our most-frequented park, Faith collapsed on the floor and said, "I am so tired I just feel like crying for some reason!" I couldn't have summed it up any better.
I didn't completely lose sight of being kind to myself...I actually ended up excusing myself from a couple of other commitments this weekend. My hope, though, is that at some point I begin to recognize my limits and live within them...rather than disregard them until I can no longer turn a blind eye. Learning my limits will keep me from having to go back and say "no" where I have already said "yes".
Sleep. That's what took precedence the last couple of nights. And it is beckoning me once again...
I didn't completely lose sight of being kind to myself...I actually ended up excusing myself from a couple of other commitments this weekend. My hope, though, is that at some point I begin to recognize my limits and live within them...rather than disregard them until I can no longer turn a blind eye. Learning my limits will keep me from having to go back and say "no" where I have already said "yes".
Sleep. That's what took precedence the last couple of nights. And it is beckoning me once again...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Day #17...
One of my favorite family rituals is climbing into bed for a few minutes with each of the girls at night before they sink into their dreamland. It's a sacred time actually. Many profound and wonderful conversations are held in those moments. Many tickles and giggles and animal kisses accompany the bedtime snuggles as well. Magic happens in these moments of connection when I can look into the face of each of these girls and marvel at the miracle of their lives and our lives being interconnected, interwoven, intermingled. Tonight Faith asked me a series of questions starting with "Mommy, why is it okay to see each other naked when you're married?" And then a few minutes later she asked, "Why do people have to die?" And finally, "Why doesn't God just tell us everything about everything?...I wish I could just understand everything."
As crazy as it might sound, I absolutely love her questions. And Bailey and Krisalyn have plenty as well. Faith actually mentioned tonight that she thinks that she and her sisters are the most curious girls she's ever met. The questions don't frighten me. Often they echo the questions of my own heart. Imagine that. My little girls' hearts echo my own.
Staring into their little faces each night is one of the greatest gifts of my life.
As crazy as it might sound, I absolutely love her questions. And Bailey and Krisalyn have plenty as well. Faith actually mentioned tonight that she thinks that she and her sisters are the most curious girls she's ever met. The questions don't frighten me. Often they echo the questions of my own heart. Imagine that. My little girls' hearts echo my own.
Staring into their little faces each night is one of the greatest gifts of my life.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Day #16...
When I showed up at our little clubhouse here at the Lodge (our current apartment complex) for my afternoon workout I was greeted with the sound-blasting news report of a woman recently murdered in the area. Instinctually I glanced up at the TV set to see her photo as the news reporter rattled off the detail that this woman has two surviving teenage children. My headphones were in my ears and my music was already playing, but it wasn't loud enough (apparently there was a hard-of-hearing resident in the workout area who needed the volume to be at its maximum capacity) to drown out the reporting of this tragedy. I turned my ipod up in an effort to wage war with the bombardment of more bad news...but the words kept seeping through. Death...car bomb...trial...and each time I would feel this gravitational pull to look up at the bad-news-bearing-screen.
I had to run hard today. I had to run hard so that I could stop thinking about the tragedies. I had to run hard so that I was forced to focus on one thing - placing one foot in front of the other on that freaking treadmill. When I've pushed myself to run hard in the past, more often than not it was a form of self-punishment. Not today. Today it was being kind to myself to run until it hurt and I could simply be in my body and not in my head. Self care came in the form of running my ass off today. Literally.
I had to run hard today. I had to run hard so that I could stop thinking about the tragedies. I had to run hard so that I was forced to focus on one thing - placing one foot in front of the other on that freaking treadmill. When I've pushed myself to run hard in the past, more often than not it was a form of self-punishment. Not today. Today it was being kind to myself to run until it hurt and I could simply be in my body and not in my head. Self care came in the form of running my ass off today. Literally.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Day #15...
yes...I have shortened the title to this post. I'm just bored with the long title.
Just a little thought for the night. I've learned that self care necessitates that I spend at least some portion of the day or of my week being alone (a difficult task for a wife and mother of three). The fascinating thing I'm discovering, though, is that when I give myself this space and time to be alone, to check-in with myself, to sort of test my own temperature to assess the needs consistently, then I find that I am much more grateful for the time that I have with others. I'm not resentful towards them for being a part of the busyness that consumes my life. I'm not dissociating while i'm with them thinking of all the other things I should or could be doing. I'm not feeling hopeless and depleted because I have nothing left to give. Instead, I feel the honor of being able to come to a place where I can offer who I am to the relationship and can wait expectantly for the other to show up as well. A well-rested soul is a soul alive and ready to engage.
Just a little thought for the night. I've learned that self care necessitates that I spend at least some portion of the day or of my week being alone (a difficult task for a wife and mother of three). The fascinating thing I'm discovering, though, is that when I give myself this space and time to be alone, to check-in with myself, to sort of test my own temperature to assess the needs consistently, then I find that I am much more grateful for the time that I have with others. I'm not resentful towards them for being a part of the busyness that consumes my life. I'm not dissociating while i'm with them thinking of all the other things I should or could be doing. I'm not feeling hopeless and depleted because I have nothing left to give. Instead, I feel the honor of being able to come to a place where I can offer who I am to the relationship and can wait expectantly for the other to show up as well. A well-rested soul is a soul alive and ready to engage.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #13
Totally skipped a post yesterday. Thought about it at 11 pm and decided the comfort of my bed was more appealing. Everything is about to start up again and then it will be a sprint to the finish line. I'm hoping that the last two weeks have prepared me well for the effort I'll need to exert in order to stick with this commitment in the thick of the chaos. We mapped out our lives for the next two months and discovered that there is something on the calendar for nearly every single day until we drive off in a big yellow Penske truck once again. Ready or not...here we go.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #11
This is my first moment of genuine rest since I awoke to the smell of the pulled pork that was cooking in the crockpot all through the night. So I didn't earn an A+ in self care today...but I'm okay with that because in reality there will be days where I have to get a lot of things accomplished. What I think I'm most concerned about is trying to shift the axis of my world a bit. I'm trying to figure out what it means to be centered in my own body, mind, and spirit so that when there are days where I have to get a lot of things done - I can still remain grounded, weighed down by the gravity of my own essence. These days of immense rest over the past week and a half are what prepared me for a day like today.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #10
Oh my gosh. 10 days down. 60 to go. That's an "oh my gosh, I can't believe I only have 60 days left in this season of my life!" not an "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I have 60 more of these blog posts to go!"
Self care for today came in the form of my own personal therapy. I have been in and out of various forms of therapy since I was a teenager. Is it any wonder I ended up pursuing it as a career?! I used to think that therapy was all about trying to better understand oneself...or how to better understand another in the case of marriage counseling. And though I may still believe that through the process of therapy one can make such discoveries, I think I'm convinced now that therapy has more to do with learning how to simply be oneself than it has to do with understanding oneself. It's about discovering, through a unique relationship, that you are lovable, beautiful and valuable. It is a redeeming relationship - one that struggles to help set you free to be you.
I'm so thankful I've met someone to journey with me in this process.
Self care for today came in the form of my own personal therapy. I have been in and out of various forms of therapy since I was a teenager. Is it any wonder I ended up pursuing it as a career?! I used to think that therapy was all about trying to better understand oneself...or how to better understand another in the case of marriage counseling. And though I may still believe that through the process of therapy one can make such discoveries, I think I'm convinced now that therapy has more to do with learning how to simply be oneself than it has to do with understanding oneself. It's about discovering, through a unique relationship, that you are lovable, beautiful and valuable. It is a redeeming relationship - one that struggles to help set you free to be you.
I'm so thankful I've met someone to journey with me in this process.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #9
I am beginning to wonder if this looming sickness will ever depart from our household. We attempted to usher the girls off to school today despite not being 100% and an hour later I received a call from the school that Bailey just wasn't holding up very well. Poor Miss B. She always seems to be more significantly impacted by the illnesses that pass through our household. And so I was homebound yet another day. It was a bit of a bummer since the sun managed to stay out for most of the day in our neck of the woods.
After going through a roller coaster of emotions as I surveyed the internet to see what jobs are available in the mental health arena all morning, I decided it was time for me to start cracking into my reading for this next and final term. So what does that have to do with self care? That's what I'm about to reveal. Geesh. For this last term I just so happen to be taking a class titled C.S. Lewis: Theological Perspectives for Spiritual Formation. I'm super excited about the class...except for the fact that there are 13 books for this 8 week class (hence the need to start reading NOW). I have read most of C.S. Lewis' more popular...and perhaps more serious literature but only recently began reading his Chronicles of Narnia series. Brian got the set for free a little while ago (a little perk for being a teacher is that sometimes you get free books!) and we started reading it from the beginning with the girls. And this was before I even knew I was going to take the class.
I love entering into a world of fantasy...always have, but was never exposed to really good literature when I was young. There is something about getting lost in a story that is entirely other-worldly. It's an escape in one sense, but more fully it is about the igniting of imagination. I try to envision every detail written on the page as if I were actually in the scene somewhere. The symbolism - of course, is what I am most curious about and somehow I always seem to find a way to feel connected to these fantasy worlds. They offer a new paradigm. I've decided that this is a form of mental play that I deeply enjoy.
Now...I'll let you know if I still feel the same way after finishing all 13 books, a group project, a serious paper and a quiz.
After going through a roller coaster of emotions as I surveyed the internet to see what jobs are available in the mental health arena all morning, I decided it was time for me to start cracking into my reading for this next and final term. So what does that have to do with self care? That's what I'm about to reveal. Geesh. For this last term I just so happen to be taking a class titled C.S. Lewis: Theological Perspectives for Spiritual Formation. I'm super excited about the class...except for the fact that there are 13 books for this 8 week class (hence the need to start reading NOW). I have read most of C.S. Lewis' more popular...and perhaps more serious literature but only recently began reading his Chronicles of Narnia series. Brian got the set for free a little while ago (a little perk for being a teacher is that sometimes you get free books!) and we started reading it from the beginning with the girls. And this was before I even knew I was going to take the class.
I love entering into a world of fantasy...always have, but was never exposed to really good literature when I was young. There is something about getting lost in a story that is entirely other-worldly. It's an escape in one sense, but more fully it is about the igniting of imagination. I try to envision every detail written on the page as if I were actually in the scene somewhere. The symbolism - of course, is what I am most curious about and somehow I always seem to find a way to feel connected to these fantasy worlds. They offer a new paradigm. I've decided that this is a form of mental play that I deeply enjoy.
Now...I'll let you know if I still feel the same way after finishing all 13 books, a group project, a serious paper and a quiz.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #8
I had an unexpected day off today...sort of. Faith and Bailey both came down with the same cold that Bri, Krisalyn and I managed to survive so I decided to let all three of the girls stay home from school today. I was able to get quite a bit accomplished because the deal was that they could stay home only if they were willing to take it easy and rest all day long.
I've been on Spring Break for over a week now. It's strange how I look forward to these little breaks in between terms but then when I'm on break I'm simply anticipating the next rush of adrenaline that seems to accompany a new round of courses. I can't tell if I'm eager for classes to start next week because the mental stimulation makes it easier to get through the mundaneness of my day-to-day life or if it's because once I finish these classes I will officially be considered a master of something (whatever that means?!).
Something of this day spent at home with all three girls reminded me of what it was like when they were all very young and I spent much of my time at home with them. I was technically working full-time, but it was work for the church so I only spent a portion of my time at the actual office, but the bulk of my work I was able to do from home. They were wonderful years...and very difficult and lonely years. I had two kids by the time any of my girlfriends or family members joined me in mommyhood and I was the only mother of small children on staff at the church during those early years. To say that I felt alone is an understatement.
My babies were the greatest gifts of my life. And yet, they forced me to face myself, my loneliness and isolation at an age when most young women are off at college somewhere having fun and taking their time making some of the decisions I made before I was even able to legally have a glass of wine or a hard cider.
Graduate school has distracted me from that place of loneliness periodically throughout this season of my journey...but it's always there. It is easier to bear now, though, I must say...and I'm not sure why. It's not a loneliness that can be cured by hanging out with people or even by having meaningful conversations - though such encounters are a sort of balm at times. It's a loneliness that seems to stem from living a life that cannot be fully known by any other human being. I thank God that Brian and I discovered that we have to always strive to understand and know each other more fully during every season of our lives, but even we are a mystery to one another.
I felt something of the loneliness that seeps out of my pores and bleeds all over the mundaneness of my life today. And you know what I did to soothe that feeling? I cooked pasta. I ate comfort food. And it filled my belly. And sharing that meal with the gifts of my life helped slightly fill that hole in my soul for at least one day.
I've been on Spring Break for over a week now. It's strange how I look forward to these little breaks in between terms but then when I'm on break I'm simply anticipating the next rush of adrenaline that seems to accompany a new round of courses. I can't tell if I'm eager for classes to start next week because the mental stimulation makes it easier to get through the mundaneness of my day-to-day life or if it's because once I finish these classes I will officially be considered a master of something (whatever that means?!).
Something of this day spent at home with all three girls reminded me of what it was like when they were all very young and I spent much of my time at home with them. I was technically working full-time, but it was work for the church so I only spent a portion of my time at the actual office, but the bulk of my work I was able to do from home. They were wonderful years...and very difficult and lonely years. I had two kids by the time any of my girlfriends or family members joined me in mommyhood and I was the only mother of small children on staff at the church during those early years. To say that I felt alone is an understatement.
My babies were the greatest gifts of my life. And yet, they forced me to face myself, my loneliness and isolation at an age when most young women are off at college somewhere having fun and taking their time making some of the decisions I made before I was even able to legally have a glass of wine or a hard cider.
Graduate school has distracted me from that place of loneliness periodically throughout this season of my journey...but it's always there. It is easier to bear now, though, I must say...and I'm not sure why. It's not a loneliness that can be cured by hanging out with people or even by having meaningful conversations - though such encounters are a sort of balm at times. It's a loneliness that seems to stem from living a life that cannot be fully known by any other human being. I thank God that Brian and I discovered that we have to always strive to understand and know each other more fully during every season of our lives, but even we are a mystery to one another.
I felt something of the loneliness that seeps out of my pores and bleeds all over the mundaneness of my life today. And you know what I did to soothe that feeling? I cooked pasta. I ate comfort food. And it filled my belly. And sharing that meal with the gifts of my life helped slightly fill that hole in my soul for at least one day.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #6
Figuring out what it looks like to take time to myself during these family-filled weekends will be interesting. We were at a track meet all day today. Literally - from 8 in the morning until 5 in the evening. We were rained on, wind-blown, and cheered-out by the time we rolled into our covered parking spot over here at the Peasley Canyon Lodge. It was a long and full day...and I wasn't actually that intentional about finding a moment or two to be present to myself. But maybe on days like today, simply taking a few minutes to write about my thoughts in this space is enough. And I must say that sitting in those damp bleachers all bundled up in blankets and watching my little ladies run their little hearts out is quite fun actually! I'm one proud mama.
p.s. I've decided that every Sunday, in an attempt to establish a form of Sabbath, I will take a break from blogging. Rhythm...that's what I'm trying to establish here.
p.s. I've decided that every Sunday, in an attempt to establish a form of Sabbath, I will take a break from blogging. Rhythm...that's what I'm trying to establish here.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #5
I knew sticking to this commitment to intentionally caring for myself everyday would be a challenge. I knew that setting limits to what I require of myself each day would be a necessary part of this commitment. I knew that I would struggle with a paradigmatic shift in learning how to balance my own needs with the often demanding needs of my children. I knew that it would be a task that would incite the kind of creativity that I often don't fan into flame on a regular basis. I knew it would be a challenge. But I didn't know it would lead me to a place of deep sadness. Or perhaps, unconsciously or subconsciously...or not, I knew that this sorrow existed and the busyness and failure to be truly present to myself was a way to avoid this space of deep sorrow.
Granted - it has been an emotionally-charged week. Brian traveled to Colorado for his Grandfather's funeral. Elmer was an amazing man and everyone who met him was sure of it. He lived a long and beautiful life - but knowing this still doesn't detract from the sense of loss. The 11th anniversary of Columbine came and went. And we discovered that my granny has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It has most certainly been a tough week. But I don't think that is the only reason I have met such sadness this week.
Because I've also experienced a growing sense of peace as I've faced this sadness. I think this may have something to do with joy and sorrow being interwoven or at least intricately connected. My hope is that the more time I am willing to face, to feel, to acknowledge the sadness, then the greater my capacity to bear it and grow in hope within it.
I've done a decent job at caring for my body these past few days. I am still trying to figure out what it means to begin really caring for my spirit. I'm open to suggestions.
Granted - it has been an emotionally-charged week. Brian traveled to Colorado for his Grandfather's funeral. Elmer was an amazing man and everyone who met him was sure of it. He lived a long and beautiful life - but knowing this still doesn't detract from the sense of loss. The 11th anniversary of Columbine came and went. And we discovered that my granny has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It has most certainly been a tough week. But I don't think that is the only reason I have met such sadness this week.
Because I've also experienced a growing sense of peace as I've faced this sadness. I think this may have something to do with joy and sorrow being interwoven or at least intricately connected. My hope is that the more time I am willing to face, to feel, to acknowledge the sadness, then the greater my capacity to bear it and grow in hope within it.
I've done a decent job at caring for my body these past few days. I am still trying to figure out what it means to begin really caring for my spirit. I'm open to suggestions.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #4
Just a small lesson for today: Sometimes self-care is simply taking a moment to ask yourself what you need. There are moments, days, or seasons where needs are easier to assess. And there are moments, days, or seasons where identifying need seems like a nearly impossible task. For today, however, sickness is declaring that my body needs rest. Therefore, I am signing out early tonight.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #3
I heard something interesting at that little seminar on Secondary Trauma that I mentioned in an earlier post. Laura van Dernoot Lipsky (the author of the book posted above) talked about how often there is a fundamental notion of scarcity at the root of many of our systems, institutions, religions and philosophies. A perspective rooted in the notion of scarcity claims that there is never enough time in the day, never enough money, never enough people to work the fields, never enough resources. This mentality is sneaky and dangerous. It leaves a person exhausted, bound by obligation, and thereby, unable to experience the abundant life.
One of the reasons I wanted to commit to this endeavor was so that I could develop eyes to see the abundance all around me...even amidst the chaos and deceptive appearance of scarcity. I grew up in a home that functioned out of the oppressive notion of scarcity - there was never enough money, there weren't enough hours in the day, there were too many needs for a working mom, an angry stepfather, and a distant father to tend to. I worked in a church that was often plagued by the same spirit - there were never enough resources, never enough people serving or giving, never enough youth trips or activities. Essentially I internalized this concept of scarcity and deemed that I just wasn't enough...and so I had to work harder and harder and harder. Until one day I was exhausted.
I want to believe that it is possible to experience life in a different way. I want to place the notion of abundance and peace at the center of my daily living. I want to believe that there is enough...for each and every day...if only I have eyes to see and ears to hear.
I did yoga today. I felt the joy of having a body that could move with grace and strength and take in the breath of life. Today I believed, with each breath for those 45 minutes, that my body and it's glory has something to do with the abundant life.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Mission: Care for Self Day #2
I am finding it especially difficult to type words this evening. Perhaps it is because I am simply exhausted - worn out from illness, emotionally-drained, and aware of my loneliness this evening as I sit on my couch in this silent apartment. But I'm inclined to believe that my difficulty with words tonight has more to do with the heaviness that this day holds for me and so many others. I learned today that sometimes care for the self can take the shape of allowing the space and time necessary to enter into memory - not in a way that could in anyway be experienced as re-living the memories, but in a sacred way that holds onto the present and the future while entering into the past. I remembered today. I remembered the horror, the loss, the confusion, the community, the faces, the places, the media, the protesting, the conversations, the songs, the dance, the trees, the trips, the book, the girl. But there was something different about today's process of remembering - I was able to remember my "self" in all of it - who I was then, how I was then, what I was longing for, how I was naive, what I needed, who I was becoming, how my world was being cracked open. In the past I would have felt guilty for spending too much time thinking of my own woundedness when so many others were far more wounded and directly impacted by the shooting 11 years ago - but today I valued my own life enough to acknowledge my pain and my growth as worthy of remembrance as well.
One last quote from Serene Jones in her book Trauma & Grace as I sign out for the night:
"The fragmented anatomy of trauma can leave one without a world, without speech, stories, memory, community, future, or a sense of self; theology's task is to renarrate to us what we have yet to imagine."
One last quote from Serene Jones in her book Trauma & Grace as I sign out for the night:
"The fragmented anatomy of trauma can leave one without a world, without speech, stories, memory, community, future, or a sense of self; theology's task is to renarrate to us what we have yet to imagine."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)