I knew sticking to this commitment to intentionally caring for myself everyday would be a challenge. I knew that setting limits to what I require of myself each day would be a necessary part of this commitment. I knew that I would struggle with a paradigmatic shift in learning how to balance my own needs with the often demanding needs of my children. I knew that it would be a task that would incite the kind of creativity that I often don't fan into flame on a regular basis. I knew it would be a challenge. But I didn't know it would lead me to a place of deep sadness. Or perhaps, unconsciously or subconsciously...or not, I knew that this sorrow existed and the busyness and failure to be truly present to myself was a way to avoid this space of deep sorrow.
Granted - it has been an emotionally-charged week. Brian traveled to Colorado for his Grandfather's funeral. Elmer was an amazing man and everyone who met him was sure of it. He lived a long and beautiful life - but knowing this still doesn't detract from the sense of loss. The 11th anniversary of Columbine came and went. And we discovered that my granny has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It has most certainly been a tough week. But I don't think that is the only reason I have met such sadness this week.
Because I've also experienced a growing sense of peace as I've faced this sadness. I think this may have something to do with joy and sorrow being interwoven or at least intricately connected. My hope is that the more time I am willing to face, to feel, to acknowledge the sadness, then the greater my capacity to bear it and grow in hope within it.
I've done a decent job at caring for my body these past few days. I am still trying to figure out what it means to begin really caring for my spirit. I'm open to suggestions.