I should be working on some school work now that the kids are in bed and I have a final on Friday and two research papers due next week, but I've become less inclined to submit to the "shoulds" imposed upon me by the outside world. I wanted to mark this day instead by writing something here in this space. Today was a beautifully FULL day. I am sitting here now feeling overwhelmed with the fullness and goodness in my life. And I don't really know how I got to this sacred place.
In the past I was always on an accelerated course in life. Married at 19 and three kids by the time I was 25. I was always eager to get to the next stage...the next big step. I was always running. When I arrived at this chapter in my journey nearly three years ago, my pace began to drastically decrease. I entered into a different culture and was invited to slow down so that I might recover the "me" that was lost in the race. My first year of school, being away from everything that had been familiar, realizing that life as I had known it was no longer reality - at times felt like death. The crazy thing, though, was that in facing death I actually felt more alive than I had before. I was no longer living like a vapor, like a ghost always running and doing... and never being...never understanding what I was feeling and why I was feeling it.
I remember thinking and telling others that I met myself when I came to this place. But today something even more remarkable occurred to me - not only have I met my "self" but somehow in the past few months I've begun to love her too. How has this come to be? I'm really not sure. There is some mystery to it all. But there are some contributors to this shift that I can identify. I have come to know and be known by remarkable people. Today I sat amidst a group of people all encircling around me, hearing me, holding me, seeing me, affirming that who I am is worthy of protection. They will likely never know the impact of their presence in those moments today. They can't possibly understand how powerful that experience was for me. You see I learned to run early in life because there was no one there to protect me if I ever stopped running. No one protected that little girl from all of the evil all around her. And today she was fought for...and she could finally stand still.
Today was a day worth marking. It was a day worthy of standing still long enough to let it all in...to feel...to be.