I want my body back.

It's been awhile since I've processed in this space. I have a list of blog-worthy topics, but little time for the labor and delivery necessary to produce an actual post. But after taking some time to read a bit of Engendered Lives: A New Psychology of Women's Experience by Ellyn Kaschak this morning, I couldn't defuse the urge to write something on the topic.

"From the masculine perspective, women are defined by their bodies. Everything about a woman is both grounded in and defined by her female body and, in particular, its sexuality, defined in masculinist society as the ability to arouse, rather than to experience, desire. The measure of woman's sexuality is man's tumescence. What about her is arousing, and even whether she intends to arouse, is also designated by the male. It may be her legs for a 'leg man,' her breasts for a 'breast man,' her resistance or her nonresistance for a rapist. His feelings become hers, his desire her desirability, his admiration her measure of worth, his disdain her degradation, his ridicule her humiliation." ~Ellyn Kashcak in Engendered Lives

I recently conducted a workshop with the CCU women's soccer team where we discussed why it's essential that women reclaim their bodies for themselves. We live in a culture that perpetuates the pervasive myth that women's bodies are primarily for men. Statistically, 1 in 3 women are sexually abused by the age of 16. For these girls, it is not just culture that strips them of a sense of ownership over their own bodies.

A few weeks ago I read a news article reflecting upon the stigma of breastfeeding babies in French culture. The article highlighted the possibility that the low rates of breastfeeding are connected to the mentality that a woman's breasts are for her husband and not for her baby. What would happen if we declared that a woman's breasts are really for HER. What if HER breasts are for her and can be a part of her own experience of pleasure and intimacy in relationship to her lover. What if we viewed breastfeeding as a source of mutual gratification - for a woman to share her own sustenance with the child she brought into this world. Breastfeeding can exemplify the beauty of attachment and the power of being able to freely offer nourishment to another human being.

Just last night I heard the story of Eman Al-Obeidy, the East Libyan woman who reported being kidnapped and gang raped by Libyan soldiers just a few weeks ago. She has since indicated that the rape was a tactic by these soldiers to convey a message to the rebels about what they will continue to do to "their" women. Currently, CNN is reporting on the 9 or 10 women whose remains have been discovered in Long Island. It seems that no country is free and clear of the continued oppression directed specifically towards women and their bodies.

I have this new theory that all women are in some way indirectly traumatized by this cultural reality. Maybe someday I'll be able to conduct research and explore this hypothesis more academically. But for now, my own pondering is all that I can leave you with. Perhaps the trauma has resulted in a numbness or the dissociation of our own desire. Maybe the trauma has been so severe that we have nearly lost the ability to imagine an Edenic experience where men and women are free to feel grounded in their own bodies, their own ability to be aroused and compelled to use their bodies to create an experience of mutually honoring pleasure.

I'm left wondering what it is about female desire, feminine beauty, that is so threatening to this world. Why has it been so violently attacked for as far back as history allows us to explore?

Bedtime chats

Are we the only people who talk like this?

Me: Bri, I was reading about the female brain today. Did you know that the prefrontal cortex doesn't typically develop completely until the age of 22 in women?

Bri: Really? What's the prefrontal cortex?

Me: It's the part of the brain primarily responsible for executive functioning and making sure that a person's behavior or actions sync up with their internal sense of self.

Bri: huh.

Me: So...I'm thinking that you kind of took advantage of my under-developed brain when you asked me to marry you. Heck, we were married and had 2 kids by the time I was 22. You just wanted me barefoot and pregnant before my brain was fully developed...didn't you?

Bri: Whew. It worked out for me. (Long Pause). Actually, I don't think I was that concerned with your brain.

Me: Oh. I'm guessing there were other body parts you were more concerned about when you proposed then?

Reminiscing

Life as I see it

A grief observed

I've been following this woman's blog since shortly after Christmas. Her husband died suddenly just before the holiday and now she is trying to pick up the pieces of her life with their two young sons. Her words are tragically beautiful and captivating. I wonder about my faithfulness to reading her blog - a stranger to me (I was introduced to her blog by a dear friend who thought I'd appreciate her writing style). I feel voyeuristic each time I click on my bookmark to her blog, yet as soon as I arrive on her page I am reminded that it's not voyeurism for the sake of voyeurism. Rather, she enters into her own pain in away that my heart resonates with. She grieves deeply, honestly...all the while grasping onto hope and trusting that even if she can't hold onto it, that "it" won't let her go.

Building a home...

The past two weeks has been filled with making plans for our new home. We signed a contract to build a new track home in a housing development right next to the elementary school the girls have been attending. Making this decision was a tedious process. Brian and I couldn't help but reflect on how much we have abandoned our former impulsive ways. We are living our lives with greater intention than ever before. So we have thoughtfully chosen where we will finally begin to truly make a home for ourselves. It is not a "forever home." I'm not sure we will ever ben "forever home" kind of folks. Instead we will call this a "seasonal home." It will be our home for an extended season of our lives. We hope that this season includes the advancement and development of both of our careers, an investment in our surrounding community and the establishment of a sense of rootedness for our girls (who have journeyed with us as we've been wanderers for the past several years).

So as the next few weeks of my life will be consumed with making initial design decisions, I will be attempting to hold on to the deeper meaning of this new chapter for our lives. But...it's no secret that I absolutely love interior design. It was a passion I didn't really discover until I took my first trip to Cost Plus World Market about a month after Brian and I got married. I came home with $300 worth of decor for our quaint 3rd floor condo. Poor Brian. My love for interior decorating and design (better categorized as a love for homemaking) created quite a bit of tension in our early years of marriage. I think he has since grown rather fond of my desire to make a space truly ours...or perhaps he just learned that no amount of disputing over how much money I chose to spend on homemaking would ever result in much change.

I'm sure I'll be posting plenty of pictures as we venture into this new season of our lives. But for now, here are a few of the things currently inspiring my design choices.

Celebrating Broken Hearts

Bri & I celebrated Valentine's Day in a different way this year. I got to play a small part in hosting a benefit dinner and concert on behalf of this organization. Check them out.

The Broken Heart Club from LOVE146 on Vimeo.