That's just the way I roll...

I guess. I've been thinking a lot lately about how serious I seem in these blog posts of mine. It's strange how only a certain part of me is able to bleed onto these virtual pages filled with somber-toned words. For whatever reason, the freakishly weird and goofy parts of me rarely reveal themselves in this space. Why is that? I'm not sure.

Perhaps it is because this is one of few outlets I allow for the brooding side of me to emerge (the side that is always going up against my own shame of intensity).

Perhaps it is because I have not yet learned how to truly bring the deep-feeling parts of me into relationship and somehow using this blog as a medium of expression is a step in that direction.

Perhaps I know far too much of my own and the world's suffering and not nearly enough of the beauty, freedom and delight of life in abundance.

Being the transformation-addict I am, I'd like to attempt to move in a direction that feels more balanced (at least in this space). So here's a list of some of the freakishly weird and goofy parts of myself that the brooding, emotionally intense, intellectual junkie in me has to learn how to embrace:

I tend to trip over my own feet at least once a day.
I make funny faces at myself in the mirror on a regular basis.
I have a ritual of passing gas first thing each day, rolling over and whispering, "Good morning!" to Brian.
Dancing alone in my bedroom is one of my favorite things to do.
99% of the time I listen to depressing music, but when I'm in the mood for something different I listen to the girls' Taylor Swift Album and belt out the lyrics as loud as I can.
I become a different person when I play sports or do anything athletic - I am strong, determined and downright beastly.
I still recite cheers from HS in my head (oh...and sometimes I do the moves...yes, in front of the mirror).

There, that should do for now. I think that's a step in the right direction.

High desert

High desert
snowcapped arrows
break the surface
of the cold crisp
blue blanket
suffocating me

Chapped skin
dry tongue
quenched only
by memory
of dew drops
discovered anew
each morning
near the sea

Must acclimate
for survival
slowly i am
learning to live
with less
breath
trees
water

High desert
challenge me
I will survive
hope will sustain
enduring hope
from the taste
of life known
near the sea

I needed some inspiration today...

So I caught up on reading this blog. It is the story of an MHGS Alumnus that was in a motorcycle accident in June of 2010. He broke his back in the accident and had less than a 10% chance of ever having significant movement below the middle of his chest. My faith in miracles has been renewed after reading his story and watching this video this morning.

awakening...

We were in a minor fender-bender on New Year's Eve. We probably shouldn't have even gone out that day, we knew the roads would be slick after the 8 inches of snow we welcomed the day before. But considering the five of us are all still living in a single bedroom, the need to venture out after being snowed in for a day was too significant to resist. We were about to turn into a parking lot when I heard a blaring horn coming from behind. Before I could completely turn around to see what the fuss was all about, I felt the jostling as a jeep slid right into the back of our vehicle. There is little damage and the whole ordeal was rather minor.  But with each passing day I've discovered new aches spread throughout my back and my neck. Today is the worst of it so far.

It's funny to think that the body takes a little while to wake up from the trauma. If it takes a number of days for the damage to the body to be registered by the brain after an incredibly minor incident which lasted less than 2 seconds time...I'm left to wonder how long it takes the body to awaken from trauma that lasted for years.

The glory and horror of the flesh...

I was perusing Barnes & Noble yesterday and took the time to read, "The Littlest Angel." I know that it is a popular children's story, but I had never read it before. At the end of the story, a little boy who apparently became an angel in heaven after departing from earth at the age of 4, offers the baby Jesus a small box containing all of the treasures he had collected while on earth. These treasures were mementos void of monetary value reflecting experiences that he had cherished when he lived housed in his earthly body. After his impulsive offering, the boy was fearful that this gift would not be well-received. To his surprise, God honored the boys gift above all others because they were indicative of the types of things that Jesus would soon discover. In all its pleasure and pain, the life of the flesh was honored in this story.

I have been pondering my own disconnection from my body in the recent week. The body sometimes houses memories that the mind cannot bear. It is for this reason that I believe we often do everything in our power to disown our bodies, to retreat to our minds or our hearts, to flee the marks that our bodies store on our behalf. Perhaps it is time for me to re-enter my body...no matter how frightening, shameful and overwhelming those memories seem to be. Maybe it is time to set my body free, to face the memories, to loosen the chains. My mind has been set free and has been exploring new territory for a while now. But now it's time for the harder work to begin - the beautiful, messy, painful and pleasurable experience of setting my body free.

A dear friend from my time at MHGS (I've posted quite a few links to her blog in this space) just posted a movie review on Black Swan that is worth reading here.

Current events

I needed to rant a bit this morning about a few current events...

Was anyone else disturbed by the fact that Broncos player, Perish Cox, was allowed to play during the game this past Sunday? He was arrested and charged with felony sexual assault a few days before the game. He posted his $50,000 bail, left jail and didn't seem to skip a beat...oh wait, that's right, he wasn't allowed to play as a starter. Most of the media has decided to focus on the apparent double standard when it comes to the consequences set in place for superstars vs. peripheral figures in the athletic arena as Rothlisberger was suspended for 6 games earlier in the season under the suspicion of committing a similar crime, though after a criminal investigation charges were never filed. I've read a handful of articles arguing how unfair this was to Rothlisberger given the failure for the NFL to respond in a similar manner with Cox.

Seriously??? Is that really where our focus should be? Why aren't we asking questions...in the media and beyond...like - What does this convey regarding our culture and the value of women in general? A man is charged with felony sexual assault and he is still allowed to entertain the world from the football field? REALLY?! I  know many will argue that any individual is innocent until proven guilty...and I do value this ideal held by our country's justice system. But is it that preposterous to think that an organization geared toward primarily entertaining men, an organization that holds a significant amount of power in our society, should have a no-tolerance stance on the abuse of women??? No player should be allowed to represent the NFL until his name is cleared of all such criminal charges!

And...onto current event #2. Last night, I watched a clip from Bill O'Reilly's show where he released footage of Miley Cyrus hitting a bong and smoking Salvia. He then proceeded to call her "pathetic" and indicated that her days of being a role model to young girls throughout the world are long gone. I became infuriated after watching this clip. What gives this older male the right to place judgment on an 18 year old girl? I'm not suggesting that smoking Salvia was a wise choice on Cyrus' part, but does O'Reilly have any insight into what it is like to live as an adolescent girl in today's world??? Calling this young woman "pathetic" is not only harsh...it is abusive. She has been in front of camera's since she was a young child, she's had to contend with media attention and the constant scrutiny and expectations of a world drunk on hollywood, and she's recently discovered that her parents are divorcing. Is she an excellent "role model" for our young girls - no, but who made that her job??? How can we expect an adolescent girl to carry the burden of setting the example for a world filled with confused and struggling adolescent girls?

I thought ranting here would help...not so much. Still infuriated with the countless ways women are still continually devalued in our world on a daily basis.

Music as a healing balm...

Whenever I need to connect to what is going on inside of me, music tends to pave the way. This song is serving such a purpose today.