Mission: Care for Self Day #2

I am finding it especially difficult to type words this evening. Perhaps it is because I am simply exhausted - worn out from illness, emotionally-drained, and aware of my loneliness this evening as I sit on my couch in this silent apartment. But I'm inclined to believe that my difficulty with words tonight has more to do with the heaviness that this day holds for me and so many others. I learned today that sometimes care for the self can take the shape of allowing the space and time necessary to enter into memory - not in a way that could in anyway be experienced as re-living the memories, but in a sacred way that holds onto the present and the future while entering into the past. I remembered today. I remembered the horror, the loss, the confusion, the community, the faces, the places, the media, the protesting, the conversations, the songs, the dance, the trees, the trips, the book, the girl. But there was something different about today's process of remembering - I was able to remember my "self" in all of it - who I was then, how I was then, what I was longing for, how I was naive, what I needed, who I was becoming, how my world was being cracked open. In the past I would have felt guilty for spending too much time thinking of my own woundedness when so many others were far more wounded and directly impacted by the shooting 11 years ago - but today I valued my own life enough to acknowledge my pain and my growth as worthy of remembrance as well.

One last quote from Serene Jones in her book Trauma & Grace as I sign out for the night:
"The fragmented anatomy of trauma can leave one without a world, without speech, stories, memory, community, future, or a sense of self; theology's task is to renarrate to us what we have yet to imagine."

Memory...

I did a lot of reading on trauma this past term. This was partly due to the nature of my classes, partly related to work at my internship, but mostly it had to do with the work I am attempting to do personally and within the context of my own therapy and theological questioning. I've discovered some remarkable books along this journey thus far, one of which is titled Trauma and Grace by Serene Jones. On this day in particular I have found myself thinking upon much of what she has written on theology and it's role in the process of healing from trauma. Here's a quote that prefaces the very first chapter of the book:

"Too often we believe that when physical healing occurs, mental healing naturally follows, and that with time, all wounds heal. Such is not always the case, however. Violence often cuts so deeply into our minds that surface healings cover it over and, hidden away, allow it to expand. The balmlike work of theology and of religion is to uncover and mend such wounds. And what medicine does this? Healing lies as much, if not more, in the stories we tell and the gestures we offer as in the doctrines we preach."

I posted some thoughts on Columbine and Cassie last year that you can find here.

And because I love her still and love this video, I couldn't resist reposting it here as well.